Days Of The Dad

145 notes

mywildloves:

I have an appointment at 4:45 this afternoon.

For those of you still following along, but don’t follow my new blog, I have some news…

mywildloves:

I have an appointment at 4:45 this afternoon.

For those of you still following along, but don’t follow my new blog, I have some news…

57 notes

Shifting

I created a new blog. I can’t corrupt this one anymore. I’ll be re-following you guys throughout the day. If you want to continue to follow along with my current shitshow and read along with the unraveling of a life once lived, let me know and I’ll send you a link to the new blog. If not, I understand.

I promise, I’ll answer your messages shortly.

Goodbye.

41 notes

I

I had a breakdown yesterday. I had panic attacks yesterday at my mother’s new apartment. I thought of having to move back there and start over. I thought of checking into mental institution. I thought of checking out.  I’ve come to the realization that I am only bringing negativity to those around me. I am exuding nothing positive. I am the subject of anger, worry,depression, resentment, nervousness, pity, stress, and apathy to those who know me. I have no release. I don’t even know what I would if I did. I was drenched by a man not paying attention to his hose while washing his car today. I didn’t even get mad, even when he noticed and ran over to apologize. I told him to get away from me and kept walking. I have become, maybe always been, a doormat. I am fighting with every fucking ounce of my body and mind to keep everything together. I find everyday is harder than the last. I stopped looking toward tomorrow. I discover a new obstacle to overcome, a new problem to fix everyday. I am a walking problem. I don’t want sympathy, I want to be allowed to feel what’s there. I have love in inside me. I have the kind of love that can scorch the Earth for my family. I’m not pure, or innocent, or perfect, but my love is. I think about that when I lay awake at night. I use that to get me out of bed. I am fractured shell of myself. I am depression,  anger, worry, nervous, resentment, pity, and stress. I know who I am. 

33 notes

When Anxiety Attacks

I mentioned the other day that I’ve added anxiety attacks to my repertoire of crazy. As much fun as that has been, this morning I upped the ante by throwing up during an attack this morning. The cause of the attacks? The pattern seems to be, when I think of the various scenarios where I am no longer the husband and father I want to be (if that’s vague enough), looping memories of many years ago that will never stop, and a current constant uncontrollable issue that gets worse at every instance (vague again, whatever). Heart palpitations, shortness of breath, clammy palms, can’t sit still, and now, vomit. Welcome to Fuckedupville Jared, we’ve been expecting you.

I came onto Tumblr to reply to some messages and noticed my number of followers has increased from the last time I looked at it from 22,397 to 22,559. Everyone loves a train wreck right? Well, I don’t know how much I’ll be posting, maybe more, maybe none (I’m leaning toward the latter for now), but it sure will be fun to watch won’t it?  

Anyone taking bets on my crazy? What are my odds here?

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